Parents, what Paige Vanzant, one of the best MMA fighters, told you in her book is very important for you to take note of, and here's, in my opinion, why. Paige Vanzant said she was bullied at school and raped at a party. She is now one of the most successful MMA fighters. Children and adolescents often do not tell their parents about their sorrows and problems. They are ashamed, they are afraid to upset them, to disappoint them, to scare them. They don't know how their relatives will react to their failures. They always think that they are to blame for these failures; they are ashamed that they are “not like that”. They're almost always sure they're going to be scolded. Why are they so sure about this?
Remember your first reaction to the baby's fall, to his pranks, which caused bruises, wounds, burns and cuts. When you annoy him, you almost always scold the child first, and then begin to hug and comfort him. Such a spontaneous reaction from parents forever leaves a “notch” in the child's memory - the fear of running into your angry shout: “What were you thinking about?!” Children and especially teenagers often feel misunderstood and alone. It seems to them that the whole world is up against them - parents are often annoyed by their behavior, classmates ignore or bully, there are no friends, no support. They feel like they're in a besieged fortress. And, if in such a situation the child receives support from at least one person whom you might not want to see with your child, he will definitely use this support. And Paige went to the party after several years of being an outcast because she wanted to believe that she had been forgiven by the band. She understood that she was in for a “setup”, but hoped that the invitation would change her life for the better. It's scary to imagine what this girl went through and how desperate she got after this party. She has endured so much pain, shame and fear during all these years of silence. Silence always accompanies psychological trauma. Both children and adults often withdraw into themselves after an injury. They live with a traffic jam on their emotions. This book was the relaxation that Paige needed to rework her life and accept herself. And Paige's story is unfortunately very typical.
Of course, not all girls are physically abused, but teenagers often experience humiliation in such a relaxed atmosphere - at a party, at a disco, at a birthday party, visiting someone's country house or apartment. Annika Thor describes this situation in Truth or Consequences. To regain her friend's favor, the girl lures her classmate to a party, who is laughed at by the whole class. She knows that she is not called to make friends; she is suffering, but she does her own nasty thing. A classmate, excited about the prospect of getting closer to the class, comes to the party, and then bullying and a “strip game” await her. And it is often girls who initiate humiliation. Unfortunately, this is a very common story.
In the lives of outcast children, as a rule, there are no parents with whom you can safely consult, discuss all the pros and cons, and who can be protected and supported in any situation. And children should feel protected, loved and free. In a family where perfectionism is cultivated and “high standards” apply to the studies and everyday behavior of children and adults, it is difficult to expect a child to openly admit his “sins”. I often tell parents that it is necessary to allow the child to be “not like that” and accept him by anyone, gently correcting him. Only then will children be able to accept themselves as anyone and share their doubts and fears with their parents. We must remember that childhood and adolescence are times of doubt, anguish and danger. And, as my experience with children aged 8-17 shows, doubts and fears are more common among girls, whom family and society impose the “gold standard” of behavior that can be difficult to follow in today's teenage environment. That's why I want to write about girls right now.
Girls, as a rule, are not trained to defend their sister-in-law. While they are young and still doing well, their parents rarely tell them how to behave in dangerous situations, how to act when an anxious feeling arises. And then the parents, confused by the teenager's good behavior and the friendliness of the class, forget to talk about the dangers that the girl may face outside of school. It is the parents' fault that our children are not aware of possible dangers and do not know how to act. We love it when everything is fine, we are willing to turn a blind eye to what is being put out of the box with our ideas about the norm, and we don't like to make “negative models”. We raise obedient girls who have no idea how to scream on the street, how to firmly say no to an adult, how to defend their borders. Girls, and boys too, often just don't feel in danger because they don't know how to recognize it. And how do they know about the signs of danger if no one told them about them? Parents often think that children themselves should figure out what is “good” and what is “bad”. But this, in my opinion, is a dangerous and erroneous opinion. I listen to teenagers' stories and realize that they often walk “on the edge” without realizing it. When I tell them what could have happened if Fortune had turned its back on them at that moment, they are very surprised because they did not foresee the possibility of such an outcome. Children should be taught to make “negative models” even when everything is fine and there are no signs of trouble.
And it is very important to teach children to protect their borders without developing anxiety. Do this experiment with your daughter. Have a family member come to her from behind and she will have to say “stop” until they come close to her. And see how close the baby gets to him. It is desirable for the girl to say “stop” at a distance of no closer than a meter from herself. Girls should have more than just a loud “stop!” in their arsenal to combat those who violate their borders , but also a scream at the top of my throat “Help! They're killing!” , talking loudly on the phone with mom or dad so that the aggressor can hear, as well as threats: “Do you know who my dad is and what will he do to you if you touch me? I have an alarm button on my phone. I've already pressed it.” And a straight look into the eyes of a child of the same age and a firm one: “Just try to come to me!” And the ability to break in if the border is violated. And when a girl feels that an adult is starting to molest her, she should say loudly to him: “Who do you take me for? Are you offering me sex as a minor? Do you know what they do to people like you in prison? I've already pressed the alarm button on my cell phone. And my father knows my location.” Any bluff, any unusual behavior - yelling, laughing out loud, paying attention to extraneous things - everything will do except silence and tears.
There are also rules that our children must learn: don't get into passing cars (L.Petrushevskaya's story “Don't Get in a Car with Two People” can be read by teenagers 14+), not to go to vacant lots and parks in the evening or at night, and not to go to unfamiliar children for birthdays and picnics - to apartments and cottages. And also feel in danger. Let an “alarm button” be built into their brain. They must learn to leave and run away in time without fear of what they will think of them. For example, the boys drank a lot at a party and began to act brazenly - they had to quietly wash off. And if someone is stalking, you shouldn't go into an empty street and go to your trip, but go to the store, call your parents on the phone and talk to them loudly (or pretend you're talking), arranging to meet outside the store. We need to teach children to seek help from other people's adults in critical situations. Children should know what to say to an adult in an anxiety situation. Shyness and stiffness (“what will they think of me?”) in such cases they become bad advisers
And I ask you to talk to your children about all topics extremely openly, without tabooing the subjects of conversation and words. There should be no forbidden topics and words in conversations between parents and children. And the more frank you are with them, the easier it is to talk to them, the less edifying you will be in your speeches, the more frank the child will be with you. And trust your child more, do not squeeze him with excessive care and fear for him. You can tell him what you're worried about, share your doubts about his friends or sitting on social media. But a simple ban without explaining the reason will never work. Believe me, they'll find a way to do what they were going to do by stepping over your ban. And then they will adapt to all your prohibitions, easily deceiving you and showing you their other face, or rather, the mask of an “obedient child” that they have learned to wear in front of you. And in this case, you will never know the truth about what is really going on in the child's soul. And you might miss some very important moments in his growing up. He will remain in the besieged fortress without you even knowing it. And then he'll be invited to a party not to offer friendship, but to make fun of him in a sophisticated way, but you won't know a thing about it either, unless in a few years your son or daughter writes a book about it, overcoming their traumatic experience. What can you do to make your child your friend and not withdraw into himself?
Get rid of perfectionism, don't overestimate your demands on yourself and other family members, allow yourself to deviate from your own rules, allow yourself and your loved ones to be sometimes spontaneous and frivolous. Show children the ease and variety of behavioral patterns in everyday communication. Don't make your child an object of your vanity. Let your child be themselves. Don't ask him to conform to the norm that exists in your imagination and your dreams. If you sometimes turn off an omniscient and sinless parent, then perhaps your son or daughter will find in you a like-minded person, a friend, a person who also sometimes needs their advice. Don't be afraid to show your children too soft, frivolous and weak. Let them sometimes feel that you also need their friendship and care. And then, perhaps, they will consult you before going to a place where it's a little scary to go, but they really want to. And you won't forbid them to do this, but present all the “negative models” and tell them what to do if a dangerous situation develops. And this knowledge, combined with your choice and your trust, will give your child confidence in their abilities and in your unconditional support.
.png)
