Everyone knows that in every school, in every class, there are children who like to hurt, bully, hit, call others names, take money and things away from them. There are children who are more likely than others to become victims of bullies, bullies, and offenders. And humiliation, bullying, bullying, violence in various forms are a daily, commonplace reality for most students. Some are involved in this process directly, as aggressors or victims. Others, most of them, are passive, as eyewitnesses and witnesses.
The World Health Organization periodically monitors aspects of students' behavior that affect their health. One of the sections is devoted to violence in schools. Here's the picture in numbers. According to 2010 data, 21% of girls and 22% of boys aged 11 are subject to regular violence in our schools; 20% of girls and 19% of boys aged 13; 12% of girls and 13% of boys aged 15. 20-24% of Russian schoolchildren and 10-14% of schoolgirls themselves regularly offend others. The magazine “Home Child” is a staunch advocate for home education, including with this data in mind.
But somehow, a process involving millions of children and teenagers (and possibly tens of millions of adults) doesn't have a generalizing Russian name. Therefore, psychologists and educators have begun to use the English term “bullying”, which means everything together: mental and physical violence, domination and coercion, intimidation and extortion.
People are used to thinking that physically strong but intellectually undeveloped children from “disadvantaged” families who are trying to compensate for their disabilities become organizers and perpetrators of school violence (bullies). In fact, this group may include quite decent children of quite decent parents. Of course, there is something flawed, but of a different kind, more of a moral order: the willingness to go head over the head to the goal, the inability to empathize and sympathize, distorted moral guidelines, and an exaggerated desire for leadership and popularity.
The leader is always supported by a group of followers consisting of children who are unable or afraid to resist the leader's influence, are afraid of being in the victim's shoes themselves, are trying to become part of the majority, are used to violence at home or simply having fun like this.
Almost anyone can be a victim. A group can harass even a physically and intellectually strong child. But more often than not, the victim is chosen from outcast children and “different” than everyone else. There can be almost any criterion, just attach a label: dumb or very smart, arrogant or quiet, redneck or major, short or dylda, doesn't talk like that, doesn't dress like that, nerd, homo, redhead, chock...
One could say that school years will pass and children's grievances will be forgotten, but psychologists have proved that this is not the case at all. School violence literally breaks the victim's identity, and its consequences affect a person's life for decades. Proof of this was obtained by a team of scientists from King's College London, led by Ryu Takizawa. Children born within one week of 1958 in England, Scotland and Wales were monitored. Children who were abused at the age of 7 and 11 were selected. The measurements were then taken when they reached the age of 23, 33, 42, 45 and 50. A detailed report on the results of the study was published in the American Journal of Psychiatry. The figures confirm that victims of frequent or constant bullying at school, as adults, are much more likely to complain about their health, suffer from depression, nervous disorders and are prone to suicide. They are less successful in their professional activities, they have a lower income, and a higher risk of being unemployed. They are more likely to live alone lives without family and friends. In other words, “childish grievances” turn into quite serious adult problems. Knowing this, parents should be more careful to ensure that their child does not become a victim of bullying.
The children themselves often hide that they are being harassed and bullied by their classmates: pay attention to the alarm bells. It is necessary to immediately find out if everything is in order if the child:
It's no better if your child is involved in the abuse himself, much less a fiddler. Most of these children grow up alone, as friendships based on fear are never sincere and lasting. The school tyrant himself almost always feels this and often suffers from it.
What to do if you find out your child has been bullied
There can be no universal answer to this question. Too much depends on the classroom and school environment, on the attitude of teachers, and on your child's personality traits. But first of all, parents should support their son or daughter. The victim of bullying feels lonely; she needs a friend, protector and adviser more than anyone else. Who should be one if not a parent? Talk to your child so he knows you're on his side and ready to help. Just try to avoid trying out details if he is not ready to discuss them, and without intrusive, binding advice. Before giving them, an adult should properly understand the situation himself, think it over, read the literature, or better yet, talk to a psychologist.
But we need to act immediately, and this is what we should start with:
The first one. You need to learn for yourself that bullying is bullying, and it is not the child who is responsible for it, no matter how “non-standard” it may be.
The second one. Explain this to a child. He should know that it is not his fault that he was the victim of bullying. There is probably a problem, but there is no fault and there can be no fault.
The third one. Explain this to the teacher. If he doesn't understand, to the director. If he is also deaf to the problem, contact higher authorities and contact the public. With the Internet at hand, it is quite possible to make sure that your “private” problem is treated with attention. But the authorities and the public court are a last resort. It is better to try to find mutual understanding with teachers who, for a number of reasons, do not recognize (or do not want to recognize) the problem in its true light.
The fourth one. Explain this to the class (preferably through teachers). Often, the offenders themselves, especially the younger ones, do not know what they are doing. An adult should tell them it's not teasing, it's not a game. What they do is bullying, nasty, unacceptable behavior. But in no case is it impossible to “put pressure on pity”. The question should not be asked in the form of “Can you imagine how bad he feels?” , but only: “What would you do if you were in his place? How would you feel?”
Sometimes, if you see that you can't change the situation in the classroom for the better, the only right decision is to transfer your child to another school. We also recommend thinking about homeschooling.
I prepared for the “Home Child” Sergey Tolstikhin
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