Let's consider a situation that one of you may have faced.
A young girl was often humiliated during her school years because of her appearance. And so, after graduating from school, this girl decides to become the best in her “new life”. She goes to university and is the best student in the group. She is trying very hard to please her teachers. Over time, she even manages to capture the wishes of others and act accordingly. This brings success and growth, but it is not satisfying. Our student does her best, but she always has the feeling that “all this is not real” and “it should not be like this”. What does she want then? She has a burning desire and belief that her old offenders will come and apologize and tell her she deserves better. She wants recognition from those who have long forgotten that she exists.
Does it not mean that she already knows that no one will come, but has subordinated her entire devalued life to waiting for satisfaction?
The first thing that comes to mind when we're being humiliated is no, people can't be so cruel. This will pass. They'll understand that it's wrong to mock. Over time, we come to terms with the situation and realize that saving face is more important than “sticking out”. And for strangers, we are trying hard to pretend that nothing special is happening. But we do know that's not true. And we'll always know. Every time we “agree” with our offenders, we betray ourselves. Each time we convince ourselves that “it's only these people who humiliate me. If I adapt and just put up with it, it'll all be over.”
But for some reason, the bullying doesn't end. And even after moving to another school, history repeats itself.
Why do those who were bullied during their school years often continue to be discriminated against in the workplace?!
Why do some adults literally attract offenders and constantly run into them?
Isn't it because some voice inside us keeps saying that's what we deserve?
And if we deserve this kind of treatment, we must do everything possible to deserve something different.
But when we try to deserve something different, we often get more confused. We don't get away from the situation of humiliation and resentment, we don't forget about our offenders, but continue to drag them along with us through life. And sometimes there are even paradoxical situations that can be very difficult to get out of. Our desire for approval can take us very differently from where we intended to be. Here's why.
1) If we do not earn the approval we are looking for, or at least the “human attitude” that other people are born to have, we will give up and go lower and lower until we finally lose ourselves.
2) If we adapt to others, we will be doomed to dissatisfaction with ourselves.
3) And if we only run forward without looking back, we will also lose ourselves.
As we fight against these inner voices and try to get out of these networks of depreciation, we only become more entangled in them until we take our breath away. And it often takes your breath away when you want to stand up for yourself, but you're afraid of ruining the relationship even more. And at this point, you're giving up on yourself. And we have to keep quiet. Meanwhile, there is a growing emptiness within us. A bottomless need to be accepted, loved and needed. Always hear words of approval and praise addressed to you in the hope that they can fill this void. That's when you'll be able to live a normal life, but not right now. It's still too early...
But what do you do when silence is a pain?
There is no universal cure, but at least try to answer these questions:
When you read this and thought about yourself, are you born of protest/acceptance/this whole situation?
Do you feel a longing for real life that ended for you after the first rejection?
Is there anyone in you who is so eager to get out and finally get a feel for life, to show your true self?
And where are those people who insulted you at the beginning now?
Whose voice tells you that you're the one to blame for treating you like this? Listen to this voice, its timbre, its intonations. What does it remind you of? Is it your mother's voice that reproached you for everything? Or classmates who mocked your appearance? Or maybe it's the voice of a boss who has been publicly humiliating you for a long time? Perhaps this is the voice of your husband or wife who raises their voice at you on any occasion?..
What snippets of phrases do you recall? Whose voices do you hear?
It's important to understand that there is also your voice in this noise. And he's free. Listen to him — he already knows what to do.
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