The path to healing from emotional or physical abuse requires a person to reassess their perception of relationships, self-love, self-esteem, and their own sense of compassion. Disruptive relationships are often catalysts for significant change, but they can also motivate us to empower ourselves. However, first of all, we need to explore how we can best apply our new experience.
Here are eight life-changing affirmations that a trauma survivor should take to fully heal.
1. This wasn't your fault. Blaming the victim is quite common in modern society. People who have never been psychologically abused often tend to talk about simply getting out of a destructive relationship. However, they forget that the tormentor manipulates the victim into not feeling good enough, and the mistreatment, in turn, affirms her feelings of inferiority. But it is important to remember that the truth is that it is the tormentor who is the defective person, since only a disadvantaged person would intentionally harm others. On the contrary, you are self-sufficient and perfect even in your seemingly imperfect ways of dealing with your situation. Unlike your abuser, you don't have to humiliate someone to feel complete.
2. Your love can't inspire an abuser to change. In the situation that happened, there was nothing you could do differently to change the offender. Rapists have a distorted view of the world and their interaction with people. These kinds of people have special manipulation tactics, as well as behavioral traits that make their relationships with partners unhealthy. Part of their disorder is that they feel superior and entitled to commit violent acts; they tend not to want help but only benefit from exploiting others.
Their lack of empathy allows them to use these benefits without much remorse. By devoting more love to your abuser and submitting yourself to his will out of fear and in the hope that he or she will change, you only increase your tormentor's power. You did the right thing (or would do) to back off and not let anyone treat you as inhumanely as you used to.
3. You're not permanently traumatized by this. Recovery is a rather complicated and lengthy process, but it is not impossible. You may for some time suffer from obsessive thoughts, memories, and other symptoms that result from being abused against you. You may even enter into another unhealthy relationship or return to your abuser. This is not uncommon because we are driven by habitual patterns of behavior, forming similar types of relationships. But it's important to remember that you haven't been permanently injured, although there are scars that may still remain. You've got a choice. You can cut off all contact with your ex-partner, seek advice from a help group for victims, read books about psychological abuse, take better care of yourself, and you can have better relationships in the future.
4. You should not make excuses to anyone about the reasons why you didn't get out of a destructive relationship right away. This can be caused by fear, isolation, and the idea that the relationship imposed by the abuser is normal. Trauma after an abusive relationship can also occur regardless of whether the person has been subjected to or witnessed domestic violence. Our sense of learned helplessness develops when we are unable to avoid a dangerous situation. Thus, we tend to eliminate cognitive dissonance by deliberately smoothing out our conflicting beliefs about the offender, creating thoughts about the abuser's positive motives. We are also driven by the shame we feel for allowing ourselves to be abused. We may even distance ourselves from people who want to support us without being able to explain to them why we are leaving.
Perhaps you were financially dependent on your abuser or were afraid of physical or psychological retaliation if you left him sooner. This way, you should never make excuses to anyone or blame yourself for not getting out of this relationship right away. Don't let another person's inferiority take away your experience of fear, helplessness, confusion, shame, numbness, and cognitive dissonance that took place during and after you were abused.
5. Forgiveness is necessary to move forward. Forgiveness is the most selfish thing you can do.
Self-forgiveness. You need to be compassionate to yourself and forgive yourself for not coming out of a destructive relationship sooner to take better care of yourself. It may take a while to get to the point of forgiveness.
Remember: in the past, you did not know the information you have about how to manipulate an offender that you now have. If you had some information, there was also a human factor that made it difficult for you to get out of that situation.
6. What happened to you can be an incredible experience. While this relationship may seem like a “waste of time” at first, thanks to the change in your worldview, you have the resources to create more sustainable boundaries and learn more about your values. When faced with traumatic experiences, you were able to see what people are capable of. You've learned the value of using your time wisely after you've spent it with someone who wasn't worthy of your time. And best of all, you can now share your story to help restore self-esteem to others affected.
7. A healthy relationship is your birthright and you can achieve it. This was given to you at the moment you were born — the right to have healthy, safe and respectful relationships, to be free from physical and psychological abuse. It is your right to be able to express your emotions without ridicule, prohibition or the threat of violence. It's your right not to tiptoe. It is your right to follow people who are worthy of your time and energy. Never settle for less. Everyone has this right, and so do you. If you're someone who has the ability to respect others, you're no less than anyone else worthy of a relationship that makes you happy.
8. You deserve better than that. There are people in the world who are already living in healthy relationships, you just wanted to have them. They tried to please their offender even at the cost of their own mental and physical health. But your boundaries have been broken, their importance has been ridiculed, and your strengths have been exposed as weaknesses. You tried to teach an adult how to be respectful to you, but often it didn't work.
But there are completely different relationships in the world. These people respect and value each other on a regular basis. There are genuine apologies for mistakes, not a provocation for attention or quick reconciliation. These people who are in healthier relationships aren't much different from you. They have flaws just like you, but they are also worthy of love and respect. There are plenty of people in this world who are going to treat you better than people used to treat you. There are people who will see your great strengths and accept your oddities. You're bound to find these people—in friendships and in future relationships.
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