Today was a wonderful warm evening and the most beautiful sunset sky over the sea since December 31. I walked 12 km with sticks - from Garcinem to Carnikava and back - 2 hours and 40 minutes of intensive walking. I came back in the dark, walked to Venus and looked at the stars, which were perfectly visible today.
And this is what I thought about to the whispers of the waves.
Like many of you, I am prone to mood swings. But I've accustomed myself to the idea that my current state, whatever it may be, will never last. If I feel bad, but my life circumstances haven't changed, then I start making plans for the near or long term in my head. The main thing is to be able to imagine it in detail. When it was hard and sad for me in December, I imagined tonight walking into the sunset with sticks along the foaming and carved wave that the sea throws at my feet. And my attitude towards loved ones and friends may have emotional changes, but I know that sooner or later I will return to normal in relationships and then I feel more comfortable going through any misunderstandings. But these changes and returns to a calm acceptance of situations and people can go unnoticed. And I am quite satisfied with such an inner, deep experience, as well as a dialogue with myself.
I have often been convinced that spoken discontent, unless it is caused by fundamental disagreements, either leads nowhere or creates a fracture in the relationship. And since I rarely talk to everyone I love and appreciate, I always say to myself: “Why spend the short time we talked to clarify the truth?” Psychologists recommend talking everything out with partners and friends, not hiding anything that hurts you, not leaving resentment in your purse. But this trash can cleans up by itself after a while, and then I think it's a good thing I didn't say unnecessary words and didn't speak out. Eastern philosophers recommend practicing restraint, referring to death, which can cut off all threads at one point. And I mean her too. But death in my mind breaks down into a lot of breakups with people. I never know if I'm going to see them again. And this feeling helps me free communication from showdowns. However, sometimes I notice that people start to abuse the fact that I don't react to any taunts and unpleasant remarks, and I don't put a person who crossed the border in their place.
I notice, but I don't react, and I even try to communicate more sincerely. I try to explain to myself why a person allowed himself to do it, or I allowed him to do it. I explain it and forget it for a while. But at some point, apparently, when there are too many border crossings and I no longer want to explain anything to myself, I just end the relationship without clarifying it. Sometimes they ask me why I broke up “for no apparent reason”, then I answer and put an end to it. For me, after this point, neither this person nor our relationship exists. And no unpleasant aftertaste - no resentment, no annoyance. I inherited this ability from my mom. I used to be discouraged by her manner of enduring a lot from her friends, not quarreling with them, and then putting an end to relationships.
I remember how a friend of mine tried to make me an intermediary and passed on to her a request for clemency through me in the hope that after such a reasoned apology, my mother would forgive her. I really wanted it then because I loved them both. But my mother answered me quite calmly that this was impossible - she could no longer communicate with a person who was no longer interesting to her. And I saw that this is not the position of an offended woman who always shows dependence on the opinion of others, but real indifference. At the time, I was mad at my mom, considering her arrogant. But years passed and I started practicing such a quiet retreat myself. Only then could I understand and forgive my mother for all her final breakups, some of which hurt me. But at the end of her life, she told me that she didn't regret any of these “points”. And I don't regret it yet. These points, in a sense, mark turning points in my life. After them, something important happens in my life, which once again confirms that this relationship became ballast at some point...
I was walking along the sea and thought that almost all my feelings and states could be converted into their opposite, so I appreciate glimpses of happiness and don't dwell on bad and sad thoughts. Fortunately, these differences are not stable, but there is a rhythm similar to that of the heart. Anyway, that's what life is. But I know two types of consistency: one thing distinguishes my attitude towards people I love and value. And this consistency listens to my heart's rhythms and is life. And another type of consistency distinguishes my attitude towards those I used to love and be friends with. This consistency is akin to a straight line on a cardiogram - rhythms are no longer audible.
The rhythmic step and the rustling of a wave running into the sea made me want not to pose, but to write to a sweet man who hasn't found time for me to make an appointment since the New Year. My inner voice, controlled by the rhythm, calmly explained to me why my friend didn't do it. And I wrote to him myself and I was right. And no insults or clarifications. Only joyful communication lies ahead
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