“Why are you so dumb!” — 10 things your child should be taught about bullying today

The article has been published on the site Orthodoxy and peace.

Girls from a parallel class started bullying thirteen-year-old Anya, then threats started on social media. The girl's mother, teacher Marina Solotova, explains how they managed to stop the conflict and what parents should definitely teach their child.

The terrible word “bullying” is firmly entrenched in our parents' lives. And it seems to be nothing new: there have always been stories when teenagers bullied their peers. But with the advent of publicity (the Internet is filled with videos of bullying and fights, the media bring such news to the front pages, talk shows also don't pass by), these stories acquired, firstly, a special cynicism, and secondly, they almost instilled in us, parents, an almost animal fear. It's understandable. And deep down, each of us hopes that his child won't be touched.

I was hoping too.

It touched.

For the sake of clarity of definitions, I will clarify that in our case there was a conflict, not bullying. The difference is that in the event of a conflict, the party being attacked fights back. But in fact, the difference is small and the risks are symmetrical.

On Friday night, my thirteen-year-old daughter played soccer as usual. She loves what she does, she plays well, and as a result, there are always lots of boys around. And this irritates some of her peers.

This time she trained her team — younger boys and neighbors. Three girls, a year older than mine, who had never met their daughter before, waited until the training session was over, approached Anka and started talking. It's like saying, “Why are you so dumb?!” My baby is a pretty determined girl, she can stand up for herself. She answered “That's the way she is.”

The girls didn't like it and one of them slapped Anka in the face. And in response, she immediately got it in the eye. (Well received, I saw this eye later. Yes, mine doesn't let anyone hurt me. The first one will never start, but it won't miss it either). Apparently, the trio did not expect such a reaction, so, having fought a little more at the level of “the fool herself”, they parted. It was pointless to attack my daughter because she had a football team behind her.

On Saturday, a gop company led by a girl named Luba contacted my child again. This time, the requirements were voiced, and Anna was offered a choice: 1. She gives money away, so to speak — moral damage 2. Kneels down and apologizes 3. He goes to the deathmatch, that is, to fight. All three options were strongly rejected.

On Sunday, the unsatisfied girls tried to sort things out again. But the same team is nearby. It didn't work out. Besides, I called Anna home early because she wasn't feeling very well on her own.

And in the evening, my sister from Moscow called me and said that my Anka was in trouble. My daughter turned to my older sister, my niece, for advice. At the age of 16, Sasha correctly assessed the situation and immediately told everything to her mother, my sister, and she immediately called me.

I found Anna chatting on Vkontakte. All three girls started writing to her at the same time. She didn't have time to enter into a discussion with two of them because she was replying to the girl Lyuba. The girl Lyuba sent voice messages that made my hair move.

I have to give my due — and there's not a single obscene word here. When it started to go off scale, she wrote that she would give it all to me now and I, mom, would go to the police with it.

When the moms got away from the first shock, they started to find out who started it first

At 8 a.m. on Monday, I called the school principal (the girls study in our second building). At 12:00, the director, social pedagogue, head teacher, parents of all three heroines and I were ready. If this hadn't happened, I would have been to the police at 1:00 p.m.

I've explained the point and turned on the sound. When the moms got over the first shock, they started saying that it would be nice to understand who started first. Of course, I was more concerned about how this would end, but if you want, let's find out.

Girls, led by Lyuba, were invited. They called mine. Mine was coming from another building, so I stayed late. During this time, I explained to the girl Lyuba what her mother could do in such a situation. And how many articles of the Criminal Code, those under which she was responsible for the age of 14, she spoke about. I said a big thank you to her for talking, not writing, in which case there is no way to say that the page was hacked, for example.

By the way, Lyubino's last threatening message came an hour before we met; she slandered him when she found out that his parents were being called to school. We also listened to it with interest.

A special topic is the girls' parents and their reaction to what happened.

At first, they fell into a stupor, as it was difficult not to fall into it after listening to the messages. Then they started talking about “Who started it first”, “What if yours provoked it”, “Yours, apparently, is not an angel either”, “All teenagers talk like that now.” While we were gathering the children, I once again noticed how my daughter answered; there was nothing to cover here.

However, they assumed that mine cleared her messages (but how else? Still like that now!). When the girl Lyuba arrived, the social teacher asked if she could verify Anina's phone correspondence with her messages. The girl agreed. It was actually a discovery for parents that not everyone talks like that.

Mom was asked how she reacted to the broken eye. Mom said her daughter attributed this to the fall. I wish I could see such a targeted fall...

Then there were questions that moms were getting away from more and more: what kind of mugs do girls go to? Where exactly is the soccer field, where do they walk? (Moms don't know, of course). What book is the child reading right now? When was the last time the family spent a weekend together and how? What is the photo on the child's profile picture on VKontakte? I asked my moms to address each other by name (the girls have been friends since grade 1). So at this place, I just took my hat off to the director. In a minute, she proved to everyone that families don't take care of children at all.

One mom said, “You have to see good things in kids!” I replied that I would love to see it and was ready to hear all the good things she had to say about her daughter. She fell silent.

I felt sorry for the girl. I actually felt sorry for them. Because no matter what we talk about a cruel and aggressive world, no matter how we try to explain to ourselves that the reason for child aggression is that it's not “we are like that, that's life”, we must admit that we are like that. Children see and learn the main patterns of behavior in the family. For some reason, these girls decided that humiliation, extortion, and physical abuse were the norm, the way to resolve the conflict. I can see why.

1. The girls registered in-school. This means that parents will now have to report to the Prevention Council every month on what their children are doing, what clubs they go to, what books they read, and so on.
2. The school reports the incident to the guardianship department and the police. Families are waiting for serious checks. Maybe fines. My girlfriend Lyuba warned me that in the event of a relapse, I would report it to the police.

How to teach your child to resist bullying

And now my thoughts on this matter, after a while.

1. I sincerely advise you to talk about the possibility of such situations with children. Explain the danger. To instil that their first action in the event of threats is to inform parents about it.
   
   This is the most important thing! I understood why Anka didn't ask me for help. Four days earlier, I whined about how bad I was feeling. Why bother your mom, who is already feeling bad?! Explain to the children that their parents' illnesses and troubles are not a reason not to share their troubles! That in a situation of danger, only an adult can make the right, balanced decision.
   
   There are also reasons why children are hesitant to seek help from parents. If you deny your child basic help where he can't cope because “you're already big, do it yourself”, he is unlikely to be able to assess the situation in terms of the danger and the need for adult help. He will remember that you have to do it yourself.
   
   I'm talking about the proverbial shoelaces we refuse to tie. About stories with selected toys: “Go get it, you're already big.” About conflicts with teachers: “This is your problem, you made it yourself, and you can deal with it yourself.” And so forth. A child like “Our Father” should know: if you can't cope, it's difficult — go to your parents! This does not mean that in any situation, even in everyday life, mom and dad must immediately jump up and do something for the child. Help can be different. Advice, clear instructions, training — but there must be help! Otherwise, we're at risk. We are at great risk.
2. Children fighting for justice (they think) do not see the difference between legal and conceptual showdowns and are more likely to choose the latter. And here there is a high risk of a smooth and unobtrusive transition of the victim into an aggressor.
   
   A week ago, a story appeared on one of the social networks by the mother of an 11-year-old boy who was trying to restore justice on his own. During a walk, his friend snatched a freshly bought bottle of Coca-Cola from the guy's hands and poured it onto the floor. The injured party, understandably, began to demand a refund in the amount of 97 rubles. I repeat, the price of the issue is 97 rubles.
   
   For 3 days, the boy reminded his comrade that it would be nice to give the money for what his friend had ruined after all. And on the fourth day, her friend's mother filed a police report accusing the boy of extortion. Yes, 97 rubles. Yes, there were no fights or threats, everything was like saying “Give me back the money for the spoiled Coca-Cola”. Yes, 11 years old. And yes, in fact, it's extortion. And it is possible that the guy will be registered with the personal data. Because I thought I could do it myself...
3. Children may be afraid of being seen as weak. It is important to explain that life and health are the most precious things they have. It is possible to change public opinion. You can find another company that will treat you well. And it is not always possible to restore health (including mental health). It is important to explain that seeking help from those who are stronger, smarter and more experienced is not a sign of weakness, but, on the contrary, of maturity.
4. Children may be afraid that “it will get worse” — this is what the aggressors threaten, warning the victim not to complain. It is important to explain that it will be worse if he is left alone with those who are stronger. That the law wins. That there is always someone stronger than the offenders, and there is a rule over every aggressor. That once they start and feel unpunished, the aggressors won't stop. That mom and dad are people who know a way out of any situation and will definitely do it better because they are stronger than their offenders.
5. It is necessary to outline the circle of people you can turn to for help if for some reason you can't do this with your parents. Older siblings, older children of friends your children have known since childhood, a coach in a sports section, and so on. Any ADULT a child can trust.
6. Convince the child that in any case it is necessary to act according to the law, not according to concepts. Those who act according to the law always benefit.
7. Explain to children that responsibility for such actions will inevitably come. If not 14, parents will carry it. To instil that such actions are punishable!
8. Explain to children that anything that goes online can be used against them. In our case, Anya had nothing to show, precisely because she never allowed herself to respond in kind. As for the broken eye, I immediately suggested continuing the conversation with the police if the opposite side has any complaints. It's clear that there were no complaints.
   
   And yet, it's important! Our serious argument was a screenshot from Lyuba's VK page with the text: “Dear Lenochka and Karinochka! Today I proved that it's always for you, even if you're boiling!” (spelling preserved). It immediately became clear who “started”.
9. If a threat situation occurs, take immediate action to eliminate it! Same minute! You can't wait for it to resolve itself. You can't think that “they're children, they'll figure it out themselves.” You can't talk to other children without legal representatives. Your task is not to raise someone else's child, you have a task to protect yours!
10. It is not advisable to speak to legal representatives without witnesses. I was once again convinced of this; the support of the social pedagogue and director in our case was strong. The social pedagogue started by giving everyone leaflets with printed excerpts from the Family Code, the Constitution, the Education Act, etc. — all about parental responsibility. She asked very good questions. She popularly explained to parents and children the consequences of all such actions, etc.

This is just the tip. Our situation was resolved quickly and without consequences for my child. It can be worse. Wisdom and patience to all of us!